It's been five days now since my "mini breakdown," but I still can't seem to pull myself out of this one. Last Wednesday I was alone in my apartment and decided to take a look at a book that my mom gave to me over the break. It's a rape recovery book. I thought I'd be okay, so I just read the table of contents and then I read the introduction. By the time I got to the second page, I was a mess. I called my mom and just sobbed. I'm so frustrated that something that happened to me a year and a half ago still has such an effect on me. Since Wednesday I've basically stayed in my apartment, except for James' birthday dinner. I've gotten really good at pretending everything is okay, but I'm sick of that. I'm not okay. I can't wait to be in Boise where I won't be alone and I'll be taken care of. One of the hardest things about being here, is that I feel alone. I know I have friends, but there isn't anyone here that I have broken down in front of before. The time away will be good for me.

So now I'm trying to decide if I just go home and sit in my apartment alone again, or if I actually go out tonight. I guess I'll see how I'm feeling in a few hours. I don't want to go to the Stone's Throw and pretend to smile if I don't feel like it.

Okay, enough of my pity party. I'll pull myself together at some point. I so hope that my time away from school will help me heal and truly be a happy person; I don't know what that's like. I've been depressed for so many years, that I might just be a completely different person when I come out from under this dark cloud. To be honest, that scares me a little.

Well, I'm done. I think I'm going to go eat some soup and have some coffee. That will at least make me feel better for the time being.